Step 1: Odd groups left, even groups right.
Step 2: DPS Slowly. Fucking slowly.
Step 3: There is no aggro reset.
Step 4: Mordots! Mordots! Mordots!
Step 5: At 40%, stop dots. Until then, Mordots!
Step 6: Whatever the fuck you do, do not stand next to other people
Step 7: Stay away from the fucking whelp caves.

Update 10/22/06: Fixed the link to the MP3, apparently it hasn't been working for a long time, oops!

If you like funny stuff in World of Warcraft, check out my new site, 65 Million Boars. It has lots more funny stuff from the World of Warcraft that we all love.

The audio is from a reportedly real Onyxia raid attempt by a guild on the EU server Chromaggus called Wipe Club. The guild/raid leader Dives is the one you hear on the clip. Their guild site is WipeClub.org but seems to be down right now. There is a thread on the European WoW forums where members of the guild are posting.

Our guild laughed hysterically while we listened to this over teamspeak while waiting for an Onyxia raid to start, so I figured I would throw this site up real quick to help spread the love.

Also as you can see I couldn't understand some of the stuff he was saying, so if you have any corrections to the transcript let me know.

Odd groups got left, even groups got right. That means 1, 3, 5, 7 left; 2, 4, 6, 8 right. 7 & 8 are whelp groups.

Ok listen the fuck up. You are going to DPS very very slowly. Now, and by slowly I mean fucking slow. If you get aggro, it means you are going to lose 50dkp because you didn't know what the fuck to do. And watch the fucking tail. If you get into the whelps, you lose 50dkp again, for not being where the fuck you were supposed to be.

There is no aggro reset. There is some shit about an aggro reset when people don't know how to manage their aggro. After 2 sunders you can basically start doing damage to it. Assuming you know how aggro works and you don't over-aggro.

Ok nuke it, dot it. Help the whelp groups. When it's in phase 2, nuke it as hard as possible. You want to get it down as fast as possible. Have dots up on every time, 2 rows, shadow word pain, warlock curses, rends, everything. I don't see enough dots, more dots now. Come on more DPS. Hit it like you mean it. You'll have time to rest in phase 3 while I'm getting the aggro. Remember, save all your aggro reducing abilities for when it lands. That means feign death, vanish, fucking fade, anything you can use to reset aggro.

At 40% you will stop dots, until then you will throw more dots. Throw more dots, more dots, more dots ... come on more dots. Ok, stop dots. Now hit it very hard ... and very fast. Lee run to the center, Mulgras run to the center, Forsyte run to the center, Nurf run to the center, Isis run to the center. Whatever the fuck you do, do not stand next to other people. Mulgras, center. Just heal me. Lee do not... go away from the head lee. Go away. Ok DPS, slowly. Come here you fucking cunt. Watch the tail!

Whelps!

Crushim was feared into...

Who the fuck was that? Crushim, what the fuck? Whelps, left side! Even side! Many whelps! Now, handle it! Fuck! That's a fucking 50dkp minus! What the fuck was that shit? If you stand in the right fucking place, there is no way you are going to fucking get into the goddamn whelps, whatever fucking fear, tailswipe, whatever the fuck ok? It's like one in a fucking million. From the fucking north corner to the middle into the fucking whelp cave, it's not even fucking remotely imaginable!

I have heard reports on the internets that there are in fact some people in the world that do not play World of Warcraft, and may not know what some of the abbreviations and terms in this clip mean. So here is a brief glossary, to let you know what this guy is talking about.

Onyxia
Onyxia is a big dragon on the western continent in World of Warcraft. She is considered a "40-man Raid Encounter" meaning that she is so powerful it takes the cooperation of 40 people fighting in perfect organization to defeat her. This is usually attempted by a guild of players, as it requires much practice, and is not something that can be accomplished with any random assortment of 40 strangers.

Whelps
Onyxia is fought in a big cave. She is in the middle of the cave, then there are two small caves branching off from the big room. These caves are full of whelp eggs. If you get too close to them, they will break open, and you will suddenly have a dozen little tiny dragons flying around killing everyone, in addition to the giant dragon already in the middle of the room. Accidentally pulling whelps is very bad.

DPS
Stands for Damage Per Second. This is basically how much damage is being inflicted on Onyxia at any given time. Dives wants his guildmates to DPS slowly, meaning to have a low rate of damage on her, to reduce aggro, which is explained next.

Aggro
Aggro/hate is basically how much the creature/dragon/humanoid/whatever you are currently fighting hates you. They will attack the person they hate the most. So the basic idea is to have your "tank" (usually a warrior class, since they have the most armor & health) have the most aggro, so that Onyxia will attack them instead of the classes that are just wearing cloth or leather armor. The warrior has many ways to generate a lot of extra aggro, but by other people doing too much damage to her, they can "pull aggro" meaning that Onyxia will attack them, most likely instantly killing them, and then most likely killing the rest of the group.

DKP
DKP stands for Dragon Kill Points and is basically a way to decide who gets loot or gear after a big boss dragon has been killed. Many guilds use this as a fair way to distribute gear and weapons to the members of the guild. The more bosses you help kill, the more points you get, and the more points you have, the more gear you get. So basically it rewards people for showing up consistently, rather than showing up once a month, randomly rolling to get some gear, and winning something despite rarely attending. More info here.

DOTs
DOTs are Damage Over Time spells. Instead of taking say, 3 seconds to cast a spell and then that spell doing a large amount of damage, DOTs are usually cast instantly but do x damage over x seconds. It's a way to more easily do slow (which means fucking slow) DPS, which is what Dives wants.